Silence Under the Big Top

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clown

My brother and I make the joke about the “Clowns” in our heads…or, our never-ending thought processing. I never realized how much we had this in common until the last couple of years. Genetics. No, I am not obsessed with clowns, and I am definitely not afraid of them, sometimes they just work overtime. For the last seven days, I did the unthinkable – I set out to have “silence” under the big top. The clowns were told to take some time off….no bearded ladies, elephants or men in tights on the flying trapeze. Silence Under the Big Top.  This ringmaster would be on vacation for an entire seven days.  As soon as we leave the driveway, I sense that the clowns have the painted frowns. I am not sad, but excited to leave them behind to fend for themselves.

Eventually the noises and busy hustling of the clowns fade into the background. I am sure they are not going anywhere. They will be here when I return. It is only a two-hour ride. I have always adored the North Carolina tourism slogan – NC, where a million miles away, is just down the road. I’m on my way…a million miles away. Okay it is only about 100 but it will still be paradise.  I tweet and post a few times on the way. Excitement is an understatement. I have always loved going to the ocean… always.

This year has been a little rough in our little corner of the world. Life changing, heart breaking and forever altering circumstances. Life happens, you can’t stop it. It would be our first real vacation in more than a few years. So, yeah, it was sort of important to us as a family. This was also kinda the scary part, I was so depending on this respite? I was afraid it would never come to pass. I am thankful that our plans went forward.

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I think when we crossed over onto Topsail Island, I became small. I became insignificant. My worries and frustrations did the same. I was beginning to feel more free than I had in several months. The clowns were silent. Sssssh……..

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My view for the next six days…..I would continue to feel small standing in the presence of God’s vast creation. I am insignificant, yet I feel a part of everything about it. I don’t just breathe the salt air, I inhale it with my eyes closed. I have a lot of silencing to do in the next several days. I am reassured that I was right….the sea will always soothe the soul.

I know that I drove my social media friends crazy, I posted pictures frequently. You would have thought I was a child seeing the ocean for the first time. I’m sure most of them understood how needed this vacation was for me. If not, I’m sure you were rolling your eyes at my posts. LOL – and that’s okay too.

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Every morning I had my coffee on the balcony. I had some great reflection time and much-needed conversations with God. How could you not talk to the creator in front of His awesome masterpiece.  Little by little, every morning I found new wind in my sails, grace renewed for another day. The clowns know very little about this part of my being. Sound like I was on the verge of losing my sanity? I wasn’t, I was just worn, weary and needing to have a few things restored. He was faithful in all I asked.

I never felt loneliness here, although I had a few moments alone. Every day I found something to smile about. I was intentional in my thoughts. I focused on the good things I have in my life, from past to present and hopeful for more great things on the horizon (great views of that too) I often asked God to restore my wings, enable me to soar in the next chapters of my life, whatever that is going to include. Insignificant I remain, incapable of doing anything totally on my own. I like to think I am a strong person, but I am more often not. Maybe that’s where the clowns come in.. they paint on their smiles and distract.

I think one of the moments that will always be in the forefront is the morning I was determined to watch the sunrise. It would require me leaving early by myself without waking everyone up. I realized the view would be hidden by the other buildings, so I would have to walk down the strand of beach to witness it. I will never regret that walk. Ever.

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As a lover of the sky? This was the ultimate photo for me. I was overwhelmed. Through tear filled eyes I had to regroup. So many emotions overtook my thoughts. Many of them only significant to me. Restoration that I would not leave without. It was here that I embraced the silence. No clowns intruding my thoughts, trying to un-weave the webs of the world. I was mostly thankful for seeing another day, making another memorable day with my loved ones. I felt the wind blowing against my sails, gaining my second wind. It was just what I needed. I am thankful that He is faithful in all things. Always.

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2 thoughts on “Silence Under the Big Top

  1. I totally understand all the emotions and feelings in everything you experienced during this vacation. Like you, the sea and Israel hold me captive… the sights, the sounds, the smells… Hashem’s creation and HIs Land never cease to amaze me. I am so thankful you had time with Him and your family… such NEEDED time… time to rest, focus, and heal… I love you… this was beautiful…

  2. This is as beautiful as the pictures! I have been to the ocean twice in my life, and it’s an experience that can barely be put into words. Always humbling and restorative though. Love it!

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