The Little Girl in My Mirror

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“Mirror, Mirror on the Wall” foretold in the fairy tale of my childhood-It was about beauty and being the fairest of them all. Amazingly, decades later, it would be about the inner workings of the soul for me. I loved the fairy tale as a little girl. Then… it happens all too soon..life turns from fiction to non-fiction, and you begin your own story.

At the beginning of the year, I mentioned that I would not be making resolutions. I would be doing inside maintenance that is reserved for my thoughts only. “Imperfect Progress” is one of my favorite new descriptions from Lysa TerKeurst book “Unglued.” So yes, I will continue to use it often.

Needing to take care of some errands, I hurriedly look in my mirror and decide that I really should make a little more effort when I go out. I love being a stay at home mom, but not wanting to become too complacent, I still try to put on a little makeup during the day. I am a pretty low-maintenance gal. I look in the mirror, and I look tired. Today, is a different kind of tired-I can see it in my own reflection. My thoughts are tired,  my soul is weary and it’s going to take a little more than some mascara to conceal it today.

I longed for the quiet, shy little girl with two bouncy pigtails to reappear in the mirror today, the one that liked to skip and giggle and play games with her little brother. I miss her. The one that rode her bicycle endless hours, played in the hills until the sun indicated three o’clock. I am determined to be a little more diligent in looking for her in the days to come.

ponytails

As I revisited the little girl in the mirror today, I remembered some things that made her who she was.  She dreamed. She believed. She loved unconditionally. She once believed in fairy tales. I am overwhelmed by her absence in the person I see before my eyes. I turn away, feeling the loss.

I am convinced that the inner person you choose to feed the most is the one that will become more apparent. I will attempt to pour more into the dreamer than the realist, and somewhere in between I hope they can become middle of the road companions. Is that even possible? I am still searching.  I may need to look a little deeper to find the little girl in the mirror…Honestly? she makes me a little unsettled and afraid,  my “Imperfect  Progress” …. but progress nonetheless. I patiently await her reflection.

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Because We Love

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invisible thread

Because we love….

Because we love, we experience disappointment.

Because we love, we face heartbreak.

Because we love, we feel helpless.

It is often easier to listen with our heads, not our hearts. It’s the rationality and reasoning that keeps us from breaking over the edge to the pain that loving often causes. When we feel something too strongly, are discouraged deep within our souls, it is easier to turn to our logic that turns a thousand miles an hour in our thoughts.

When these two entities collide, we are overwhelmed with emotion. How do you make the silence speak peace? How do you quiet the restlessness. We build walls and barriers and refuse to let the two worlds nestle together.

Be still my soul, be still.

All because we love too deeply, care too easily, these are our disabling devices. Parts of the soul that will never be extinguished, only fueled by what if’s of life.

“What if’s” in life prove to be exhausting, spinning our emotions into a downward spiral.

Which is easier? Having no passion for those things that are close to your heart? Having no hope for something that seems far beyond your reach? Choosing not to love for the fear of losing them?

Hope. Faith. Love. A three stranded cord that intertwines itself. The invisible thread that holds all of our dreams. It is not possible to live without any of the three. So we continue to move along, quiet the restlessness, and make sense of the what if’s in our corner of the world.

Choose to love. Even when it is painful to do so.

Choose to love. Even when it seems impossible.

Choose to love. Even when it is not the easy path.

Because we love, we experience joy. Because we love, we have hope. Because we love, we leave our hearts wide open for the amazing to happen.

Love has no regrets, it is a reservoir for the strength to face our journey.. Our “what if’s” in life.

What will you choose?

And now we have these three: faith and hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13

We’ll Get There

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mother daughter phot

Life from above, wrapped in blankets, tied with love….. I look at this photo and remember this stage of my life…a very blissful but busy time. The time where you wonder as a mother if you are “doing everything right” and will you ever enjoy a good nights rest again? I didn’t mind it so much after a long-awaited thirteen years. I was just happy to be here. Breathing in every moment like it would not last, daring to blink as if I would somehow miss something.

Although this was a busier time for me, I can’t help but see it as a more simple time by far. I provided for her every need. She depended on me for her entire little world to go around.  If I failed in consoling her, I didn’t give up, I just tried something different, knowing that as long as I tried, we’d get there. Little did I know how these words would embed themselves in my heart today. ~thanks God,  for that gentle reminder.

The truth is I still wonder if I am “doing everything right” and I still have restless nights. I second guess myself. What if I mess this up? She will pay for it for years to come. The responsibility is overwhelming. God grant me grace to do my best, since we only get one childhood. What if I am too harsh? What if I am too lenient? What if? What if?

I vented today. I re-hashed it. I asked God to help me find my way. No wonder so many parents just let their kids “go” it would be so much easier to do so. There is so much work that is more mental than physical, I find it exhausting.

I do not doubt that I have an amazing daughter. She is a gift. It is a heavy responsibility to guide her to the person she will become. When storms invade us and toss us in the wrong direction, I can only trust that I will have the wisdom to adjust our sails.

Now I wait. I cherish the voice that says to me.. wait, settle down – cast your cares upon me…rest. We’ll get there.

Friends – For Reasons or Seasons

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blue skies

Friends and more friends……. I decided to write out a list of my friends. In my attempt to not leave anyone out, I decided to “group” my friends from old to new, then another list from past to lifelong. It started out as an easy enough list, but as the list grew I found myself adding not only more friends, but more categories. The more I focused on my list of friends, the more the categories began to overlap.

I recently had a similar discussion with my daughter about the many different types of friends. Do you always have the same kind of friends? No, friends are different in every way, unique in their own right. What if you don’t see those friends often? Will they forget you? No, that’s the great thing about friends – you never forget. Ever. There will be those that are so much a part of who you are and who you become, that they will always be a special part of your life. I am blessed to have those.

I was overwhelmed looking at my list of friends. More than the list, I mentally took note of  each name and what made them great. I have friends that connect me to my childhood, school years, college and throughout my adult life. Don’t misunderstand my great list of friends as boastful, I am fortunate and some remain in a state of friendship “grace.” I never had one name that I had to cross out because they were no longer my friend. Strange? Not really. Not when you consider the fact that friends do come and go, but they continue to hold their purpose in the course of your life. Thus, the reason for re-posting this awesome poem.  I have found that it speaks volumes of truth.

People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFE TIME.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, It is usually to meet a need.
You have expressed.
They have come to assist you though a difficulty,
To provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are….
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then ,
without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to and end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes the act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realized is that our need has been met,
our desire fullfilled,
Their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered  and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON.
Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.

LIFE TIME Relationships  teach you life time lessons things you must built upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

You job is to accept the lesson. Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and are as of your life.
It is said that Love is blind but Friendship is Clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life. Whether  you were, a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFE TIME.