Life from above, wrapped in blankets, tied with love….. I look at this photo and remember this stage of my life…a very blissful but busy time. The time where you wonder as a mother if you are “doing everything right” and will you ever enjoy a good nights rest again? I didn’t mind it so much after a long-awaited thirteen years. I was just happy to be here. Breathing in every moment like it would not last, daring to blink as if I would somehow miss something.
Although this was a busier time for me, I can’t help but see it as a more simple time by far. I provided for her every need. She depended on me for her entire little world to go around. If I failed in consoling her, I didn’t give up, I just tried something different, knowing that as long as I tried, we’d get there. Little did I know how these words would embed themselves in my heart today. ~thanks God, for that gentle reminder.
The truth is I still wonder if I am “doing everything right” and I still have restless nights. I second guess myself. What if I mess this up? She will pay for it for years to come. The responsibility is overwhelming. God grant me grace to do my best, since we only get one childhood. What if I am too harsh? What if I am too lenient? What if? What if?
I vented today. I re-hashed it. I asked God to help me find my way. No wonder so many parents just let their kids “go” it would be so much easier to do so. There is so much work that is more mental than physical, I find it exhausting.
I do not doubt that I have an amazing daughter. She is a gift. It is a heavy responsibility to guide her to the person she will become. When storms invade us and toss us in the wrong direction, I can only trust that I will have the wisdom to adjust our sails.
Now I wait. I cherish the voice that says to me.. wait, settle down – cast your cares upon me…rest. We’ll get there.