Dreary weather plagued the previous week, I began to feel like a drowning soul with no sun and warmth on my skin. The rainy days passed and once again, the sun returned. Why do I doubt that they will return? As sure as the night falls, the morning rises for yet another day. Yet, I doubt during the storms and I doubt against the cold wind that blows during my day. I’m working on it-the ability to feel the sun even before it rises. Unfortunately, I am visual.

Living the words that I know require more of me than hearing them or reading them…

2 Corinthians 5:7 

For we live by faith, not by sight.

I know what the sun feels like on my skin. I know how it feels to have the breeze from the ocean whispering into my soul -The place where I feel small, but a part of something larger than any of my rainy days. I know the peace that passes all understanding, I have felt it, embraced it.

I can never fully experience joy, unless I have experienced the opposite. The rainbows of this life only come after the storms have passed. A promise of a better day ahead, lies on the horizon. Yet in my times of doubt I still know that I must keep looking up, instead of watching my feet take the steps. Unknown paths, places I prefer not to walk. If I refuse to keep placing one foot in front of the other? I stay in the storm, stand in the rain. I know me well enough to know I can’t stay here.

Psalm 59:16 But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

Every first is difficult. There will be Birthdays, Father’s Days and Anniversaries that will be celebrated without your earthly presence. We will celebrate them from here, while you celebrate new life there. Traditions that we make help us to remember how much you meant to us. We will each find our own way to preserve our memories of you.

I was only your daughter-in-law, but my memory of you began as a little girl. You were the owner of Macs City Parking Lot in town. We always parked there. Always. If the sign said it was full? Momma always said, “It’s okay- he always finds a place for us. I can’t remember meeting you back then, I was more interested in the shopping trip. I do know that you did always find a parking space for us, and I can’t remember having to walk very far because of it. I laugh now, because Derek probably parked our car long before we met in 1986. What a small world.

It took awhile for me to get to know you, but years later I come to respect the person you were, and what you stood for. I would later learn just how much of a prankster you were and how much you liked to joke. Stories upon stories you told us about growing up and working at the parking lot and the people who you met along the way. The thing I remember most…were your testimonies of how God had spared your life in more than one accident or circumstance. How you trusted Him, regardless of any situation.

I will say that I know you were not perfect. I say this, because I know you hated flattery. I remember how you would recite scripture that “our righteousness is as filthy rags” and we are just passing through this life, trying to be a light to those that need Jesus. I can only imagine how many lives you touched through that part of your time here. I know mine was one of them.

On a day that I was struggling with not having any living parents and feeling like an orphan, you called..out of the blue. Your words were short, but said that you had me on your mind and you just wanted me to know you were praying for me. I said okay, and pretended that everything was fine. I hung up the phone and the tears flowed. I was not okay. I was grieving and heartbroken. I learned then, that you were obedient when you felt the unction to pray for someone you acted upon it. It was a gift to me that day, and I would later call you and tell you that you how much I had needed that call.

I can still hear you say “Hey Dee” on the phone, and it makes me smile. You were always kind to me. Honest, yet truthful in your words. I have always been thankful for that. Plus, we made a good team working on projects together. (Hey? I learned to hang vinyl siding didn’t I?) You were a good foreman!

I would also learn how important you would become to my daughter. So many things you shared with her that will never be forgotten. There is not enough word space to write all of those things. She adored you. She still says that you were her best friend and dreams of riding one of those white horses with you in Heaven. I know it will be a celebration like no other.

So, today, we will make a new tradition in our household in honor of your Birthday… a trip to McDonald’s to have your favorite, a strawberry milkshake. It will be our way of celebrating your new life, while remembering the old.

Our joy will one day outweigh the sadness we feel. Besides, you asked her not to be sad, so we will try to have more smiles and stories in our tradition. We will celebrate “Pa” and keep pressing on towards our reunion. Until then,

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Celebrating New Life.. as it should be.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Life can be messy. Cleaning up after a mess can be frustrating and difficult. How do we get from being in a mess, to being blessed beyond the mess? I’m sure that my beloved Sister would not have taken me seriously two months ago if I had poured out these words to her. Often it is only after we have come through the fire, soot, etc. can we really appreciate hindsight. In my dear Sisters situation, it only took a matter of minutes to see the blessing.

How many times have you gotten it stuck on your fingers? You want it to stick, but not to your skin. Made to fix just about anything, Krazy Glue will hold anything together. No one doubts its capabilities to work when needed, and they are just afraid of it enough, to respect its effectiveness. It comes with many warnings of misuse, but for the most part it works.

This week I have thought about glue. I have thought about “being the glue” that sometimes holds things together. There is always that one person, that seems to hold everything and everyone together. It is reliable, and strong and sometimes holds on like a bulldog regardless of the situation swirling around them.

Most of us have this quality, especially if we are the peacemakers in our circles. We always find a way to fix things, regardless of the energy it takes to do so. It drives us to make things better, to make sense of the chaos and disappointments that sometimes attempt to break us. Mostly, being the glue, encourages us to engage, to find solutions to tough situations, and hold together our most prized posessions…the people we love.

Time… It does not stop. Time continues to go on, regardless if our feet are moving or standing still. It revolves around us, forever turning…the grains of sand continue to pour out beneath our feet. I sometimes have the desire for it to stand still, other times for it to quickly move forward. Regardless of my wishes, one thing remains certain of this life? It goes on.

After the 2013 marathon of too many Twilight movies, I found myself wondering what it would be like to disappear, if only for a few days. I accomplished this feat for three entire days when I came down with the Flu. I made a mental note to be careful what I wished for. For three entire days, I could not have told you who had called, what the news headlines were, or even how high my own daughters’ fever was lying right beside of me. Fortunately, my husband looked after us, until he became sick on the third day.

The amazing thing with time, is the fact that we all want it to stand still when moments are great, we want it to last forever. On the other hand, when they are not so great? we want it to pass quickly, a type of relief that we can only hope is on the horizon.

This previous year, as a whole, was one of my toughest. Maybe yours was as well? I said goodbye to members of our family, I said goodbye to some parts of me as a person that I will never regain. Time didn’t wait for me to pull it together, it went on – some days without me. Time didn’t stand still on the good days like I had wanted. It surely didn’t speed by during the painful ones either. Just like the hourglass, the sands poured out relentlessly, hours and minutes of my days..that would eventually lead to the end of an entire year. Gone.

I made no resolutions. I never do this for the new year. I reflect. I mourn, and I process. This is the time that I turn inward. It is the time that I think of the hourglass, when the sand has run out, I mentally abuse myself with the things I should have done or shouldn’t have done, or the what if’s, or why I didn’t make better choices? and wondering all the while if it would have made any real difference. I wonder if any of the good parts really made a difference. Pondering until I bring myself to the bottom, I give myself permission to mentally flip the hourglass, moving forward to another year.

I also ask for more Grace than my previous year, if that is even possible. Time is precious but I also find it to be very intimidating. I feel the pressure to make my days count, to be more giving with my hours to those that need it the most, to be sparing to the things that unselfishly waste it. Time will move forward regardless of how I choose to spend it. May God grant me extra Grace on the days I “think” I want to disappear.

How will you spend your time? How will you make them count?

So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom.Psalm 90:11-13

Christmas Day has come and gone but it is still holiday time! Since it is my favorite time of the year? Yes, I tend to hold it out until the very last day and on into New Year’s Day. It also means a time for completing some around the house projects that have been placed on the back burner. This year it will be fence work and removing some unwanted trees, mainly the things that there is no time for during the regular work week. There are still things that I have to get done before Christmas vacation is over, places I need to go and take care of some errands. I am determined it is still Christmas!!! It’s not over…..

I am still hoping in a small corner of my mind that my Brother and his family will be able to squeeze in a visit before they return to work and school. Hope. (Hatikvah) has proven to be one of my most favorite words this year. It has become almost a life-preserver for me during this past year. So I hope. We had already discussed the possibilities of a visit, and the last word was a “we’ll see”. Now, in my vocabulary that has always meant = probably NO. I pretty much had figured it just wouldn’t work out for this year, and after the phone call later that evening? I knew he had heard the disappointment in my voice, although I tried to be the big Sister. I assured him it was okay, and that I understood. (He knows I am a big baby when it comes to seeing them) Yes, I was disappointed. He already knew I was, but I didn’t want to make him feel any worse about not being able to come for a visit. All the while, the only thing I heard myself repeating on the drive home was “They’re not coming” and wondering how many busy months would pass until we would get together. August through December is a short amount of time, unless you are away from family members and especially if you have rapid growing nephews.

Friday morning… we are busy. We are fencing and it takes all three of us, working down in the field. It’s noisy with the equipment running although we had our phones in our pockets. A few hours pass and I receive a text from my brother. “What are you all doing”… replied.. working on fence. I returned the phone back to my pocket. Knowing that he would probably just call me later.

A few more hours pass away on Friday and we are almost finished with the fence. Text message again… “Are you finished yet?” replied.. nope, not yet.

I’m still thinking, how much I wish they were coming for a visit.. but knew it would be at least late spring or summer before that was going to happen. I knew that my nephew would soon be back to baseball season and there would be few weekends that they would even be home. I go back to helping with the fence.

Another hour passes and I get yet another text message asking is the “field” open. He doesn’t know my eyesight is not what it used to be.. I wonder why in the world is he asking me this? Then I get a text with a picture of both of my nephews standing beside of one of the signs that mark the paintball field? I glance at it thinking it was a photo he came across last year. I return my phone to my pocket. (Okay, so I’m a little dense sometimes…he already knows this) I’m sure he is wondering why I have no response.

Finally, he calls on my husbands cell and asks if I have my phone on? Yes, she does but maybe she didn’t hear it ring. He passes the phone to me. I’m still wondering why he is calling.. I already told him I was in the middle of the field working on the electric fence and setting posts? Busy.

At the beginning of our conversation, he says “What are you doing? … I’m working! Is something wrong? he says “no, nothings wrong.. didn’t you get the picture?” I replied “yes, I got it” Still being my dense self here. (weird that there is only one letter missing from my actual name? maybe this is not a coincidence…hmmmm) Do you see your nephews in the picture.. I said well, yes…he said “look again” …….

For the first time in my life, my brother has pulled a big surprise over on me.  A Christmas surprise. I still had a little bit of hope left that they would be able to visit. I’ll admit that it had gotten a little smaller by Friday morning, but it was still there.

I immediately said “Where are you?” You’d better not be lying!!!!! Are you kidding around? Are you here??? He said “Well, are you home or not? Do you mind us just dropping in because I am in your driveway? By this time… the tears were already beginning to form. I still tried to be the big Sister, but that didn’t last long when I looked up and saw my nephews running through that field. Hatikvah. I don’t go anywhere without it.

Needless to say, our visit from Friday through Monday was awesome, and always goes by way too fast, but I am so thankful that we were able to spend some time together. My nephews will have grown even more by the next visit, and so will my daughter but for a few days, time was ours. Cousins were busy playing inside, outside and having late nights… as it should be.

Yes, this year has been full of surprises… I’m counting my good ones!!! Always have hope..especially in the important things that are close to your heart. God knew all along how to reinforce my Hatikvah (Hope). My brother had no way of knowing the implications of his “Surprise” – but I have a feeling he knows exactly how much it meant to his Sister.

God is Faithful in ALL things……

“Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments Deuteronomy 7:8-10

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through my house…..

All of my decorations have been up since before Thanksgiving. I have baked cookies, pumpkin roll and muffins. Christmas music has played in the kitchen, in my car and on my iPod at night while I sleep, so why is under my tree still practically empty? I can remember a time when I had all of the gifts purchased by Thanksgiving and the rest of the shopping was just odds and ends. Not so, this year…I have a long way to go before December 24.

I have surrounded myself with memories from Christmas past, wrapped up in my Momma’s favorite blanket, and reminisced about the times with Hannah’s grandpa. To say that it has been an emotional year is a total understatement. I can’t say that this Christmas has been a “sad” season, it really has not. Of course we are feeling the loss this year, but the people we miss are in safe keeping until we see them again.

I just haven’t had the desire to buy gifts. What do you buy people who have everything they need? How do you surprise someone with things they probably already have? Don’t misunderstand, I love to give gifts.. it’s the difficulty in knowing what to give materially.

Every year we get together and decide that we had not spent enough time in one another’s presence, every year, we vow to do differently. Time. You can’t say that it wasn’t well spent? It just gets spent. People are busy, busy, busy. It doesn’t mean we dislike one another, it just means that we all travel in such different circles during the 365 days prior.

The most frustrating part of the holidays is trying to cram a years worth of catching up into a day. It just doesn’t work that way. Maybe it’s the expectations we put on Christmas itself? Once the day is past, the cheer and well wishing all seems to come to a screeching halt. It’s very disappointing.

It is now exactly one week until Christmas. I am still not finished with the shopping. I will regret it as usual, but it is what it is. I read articles of faith and giving and watch the videos of people being taken by surprise, and my steps get a little lighter. For me it is the Spirit of Christmas that I love the most. People are basically more kind and considerate. They give more, not in gifts but in being the neighbors we should be all year-long. I think this is the let down for me, I find myself apologizing more for not visiting except at Christmas. (I’m taking my own inventory here) Today, I will take cookies as usual to an elderly neighbor, and the visit will more than likely be short, but the genuine fellowship is there regardless. I will make some actual phone calls as usual during this week to catch up with some family and friends. You would think with everyone having free long distance calling these days, I wouldn’t have to wait for the holidays? (more mental inventory here)

Yes, it is only a week before Christmas and I still have plenty to do, but my goal is to make this last week count, and work towards doing better when the New Year rolls around. It’s not a resolution, I don’t make those, but an effort to be a better me in the days to come. I will be rushed, and frustrated with the shopping, I know this before I ever leave the house, but I will try to grasp the good moments that come in between.

Maybe next year….. There will  be less procrastination? We’ll have to see about that. For the remainder of the week, I will be wishing that Christmas could last just a few weeks longer…that the feeling of Christmas would not disappear after the New Year.

If you end up shopping on Christmas Eve? my heart goes out to you! Please remember to be kind to those hurrying as you are…don’t disregard the last ringing of the red kettles.. and before the year ends? Be a light for someone on your way whether it be monetary or material..maybe just a gift of encouragement. God still loves a cheerful giver, and you never know who He will put in your path this Christmas.

So I make my way today.. wish me luck or at least your condolences, hoping to make the day count. Looking for unexpected opportunities in the days ahead, and New Year too!

Sssshhhh…You know you have to be quiet when you are pretending to be asleep, waiting for Santa. How many times do I remember my brother and I trying our best to stay awake. The cookies and milk are in place and we are supposed to be sleeping. Santa always eats them, and sometimes even leaves us a note.

Christmas Eve is the longest night of the year for a kid, but as an adult, it is the busiest time getting all the presents in place, and making sure that you haven’t tucked something away and forgotten where you had hidden it. I’ve found things weeks later. I often wonder how many of our things found the same fate as a child.

There are so many sights and sounds that I relive during the holidays. It can be painful and make you smile all at the same time. There are things I miss, things that will never be repeated. Traditions, memories, and even smells that will trigger them automatically. Today, I will attempt to list them. The mind never plays them out in any particular order, they are just memories, randomly appearing when you least expect them. So here you are welcome to follow along, back to my mountain home in a coal mining community, where the snow was always beautiful and the fireplace was always crackling.

I miss seeing downtown lit up at Christmas, shopping as a family and later stopping in to eat at the Lock Stock & Barrel. I can still hear the local WXCC Coal Country radio station giving the hazard weather report and Mom asking if we should head home instead of lingering in town. Daddy always said, “nah, we’ll be fine.” I never doubted his driving. I always felt safe when he drove, regardless. The stop lights in town seemed to glow against the blowing snowflakes. I remember how magical it felt, warm in the car and the occasional swoosh of the wipers. I think I may have been a little sleepy too.

We would venture to the annual National Guard Armory Christmas party. Some of our cousins would be there, and so would Santa riding in on an army jeep. There, my brother and I would stand in line, waiting to talk to him, and getting the usual brown paper bag filled with fruit and nuts, and a candy cane. Since Daddy was KP we would be there until everyone left, helping in the last of the cleanup, if we were lucky we could play basketball in the gymnasium until it was time to go.

We almost always had snow either before Christmas, during, or after. What I wouldn’t give to pile on top of one of those mining curtains again and take that ten-second sleigh ride to the bottom of the hill. About eight of us flinging off of it in different directions. If you were lucky, you were the one that “didn’t” end up going into the creek. We burned tires, wood, anything to stay warm and whatever enabled us to stay longer. I miss the crunch of the snow on the long walk home. Even with the Betsy Ross bread bags in the layer of my socks? We seemed to manage having wet feet more than I could today.

It was usually so cold that when you did go outside and breathe? your nostrils kind of stuck together. Which actually was sort of cool when I think of it. Daddy seldom wore a shirt and I have seen him walk out to get the newspaper in just his pants and boots. Mom always fussed at him, but we all laughed when he would hurry back in and say “shewwww” it’s a little chilly out there. Then he would manage to put his cold, frozen hands on us when we didn’t scurry away quickly enough. I seldom remember him being “sick” … which proves you right my brother (cold doesn’t make you sick.. germs do)

The oven was always baking something during the holidays, hot chocolate was always on the stove burner. You could usually find a banana split cake in the fridge by Christmas Day. My Momma always cooked the turkey, and daddy’s specialty was the glazed ham. You can be sure that they were always competing in the kitchen and we reaped the benefits. My Aunt Moe’s yeast rolls would always find their way to the house, and they seemed to last all of four minutes. Oh, the smells of those kitchens.

The closer it came to Christmas Eve, the more I delighted in knowing that, being older? I would be part of the toy testing process for whatever my brother was getting. (yes, I bragged about it after every year) “I played with it first” ha-ha. What else are annoying older sisters good for? Who wants to be the responsible one all the time? I didn’t. It usually went without a hitch until something contained noisy parts like marbles, or a toy that was animated in some way. I don’t know why my Momma bought those things, because Daddy always performed surgery on them and took the noisemakers out. We had a game called “Lay an Egg” the chicken clucked and the egg rolled out…a few days later? The chicken just went around and had a thump..and then the egg. The clucking mechanism was no more. Apparently, Daddy figured if it still laid an egg, it worked and just didn’t get on his nerves quite so much.

The fireplace was always glowing, unless my brother was being slack on getting in the buckets of coal before bedtime. (mucho trouble came hastily his way for this one) We always blew black soot from our noses, but so did everyone else that heated with coal. It was the warmest type of heat. I have fallen into a hazy sleep many evening in front of that fireplace, with the noise of Daddy watching football games. I would only be awakened by the sound of a good play, then I would drift back off again.

Our tradition was to open gifts on Christmas Eve, saving only one for Christmas morning. The entire day would be spent in leisure, people in and out, just enjoying the day. I can still hear my Daddy answer the phone with “Merry Christmas” instead of hello the whole day. I smile thinking of how easy the holidays seemed back then, maybe because the focus was different? Maybe because it is my memories, and that’s how I choose to visit them.

May you find the balance in revisiting your memories of sights and sounds of Christmas past… make peace with them, and focus on the good things that come to mind. We have 363 other days out of the year to focus on the opposite. Share your memories with your own children, no matter how small.

I’m pretty sure the next time I drive past someone’s smoke-filled chimney, and smell the air, I will be lost…. a child again in a warm place…surrounded by the sights and sounds of Christmas past. I will be “home” in my heart.