Hands………

My day revolved around them. The weather is still very dry and cold and I seem to require a lot of lotion these days. Such a strange thing to overwhelm me, but then again, that is usually how it happens when  I am blindsided.

I don’t usually pay that much attention to my left or right hands. They are normally never still, but today as I paused for lotion…..I realized how much they are starting show my age. It happens…I’m not going to stop it. I am thankful that they still serve me well.

I suddenly become aware of the fact I can’t remember my mother’s hands. I am overwhelmed by a sinking feeling. How could I forget what they looked like? After all, they were a part of my everyday life as a child.. and even as an adult.

I push the thought aside-That’s what you do when you have these moments. I function. I move on.

In the midst of playing the keyboard tonite, I lose my way. I only see my hands. No longer looking at my music, but staring at my hands. I am lost in my thoughts…of hands.

Once I had settled into my evening,  I can’t rest until I see them again. The hands of my Mother. Why? Why do they consume me so much in the middle of my week.

I search for at least one photo. I desperately search until I have found one. I need to see them up close.

Immediately, I remember her words… A closed hand can never receive blessings. Closed hands live in a state of fear and greed. An open hand is compassionate, a help to others as needed, a comfort to rest on a shoulder.  An open hand is much like your heart, love has to have an open space to dwell in, it cannot reach its potential in a clenched fist.

Hands….I hope one day when my daughter looks at mine.. she will see something similar..a gentle reminder of how I used them.

Just a few more days until She makes the initial step…a step closer to following the dream. Not just her dream, but her Pa’s dream for her to do what she loves, what they have talked about for what seems like years. My dream of her enjoying the youth that is before her. The very first Horse Show Competition is upon us. She is excited to say the least, and nervous, and filled with more emotions than I, as her mother, am even fully aware.

Today, we set out to gather what she needs. We hope to find everything she will require to do her best. My thoughts ponder on the things she already has…. on the inside, and how I can nurture those to be at their best.

 Her Boots – Stepping into places she has never been before. May your steps go forward, sweet girl – leading you to the path God has for you.

Her Riding Apparel – May you always know that what is on the inside of your soul,  make your outer garment your royalty.

Her Riding Jacket – May you always clothe yourself in a garment of praise for God’s glory – it is here from which all of your blessings will flow.

Her Riding Gloves – May your hands always be ones of compassion and helpfulness to those around you.

Above all, live every moment…enjoy every ride with all of your heart. Every good gift was given to us when you came into our lives. What a blessing you are to us, and already a blue ribbon daughter no matter the competition.

Colossians 3:23- Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

Ride on sweet girl…another step closer.

“Mirror, Mirror on the Wall” foretold in the fairy tale of my childhood-It was about beauty and being the fairest of them all. Amazingly, decades later, it would be about the inner workings of the soul for me. I loved the fairy tale as a little girl. Then… it happens all too soon..life turns from fiction to non-fiction, and you begin your own story.

At the beginning of the year, I mentioned that I would not be making resolutions. I would be doing inside maintenance that is reserved for my thoughts only. “Imperfect Progress” is one of my favorite new descriptions from Lysa TerKeurst book “Unglued.” So yes, I will continue to use it often.

Needing to take care of some errands, I hurriedly look in my mirror and decide that I really should make a little more effort when I go out. I love being a stay at home mom, but not wanting to become too complacent, I still try to put on a little makeup during the day. I am a pretty low-maintenance gal. I look in the mirror, and I look tired. Today, is a different kind of tired-I can see it in my own reflection. My thoughts are tired,  my soul is weary and it’s going to take a little more than some mascara to conceal it today.

I longed for the quiet, shy little girl with two bouncy pigtails to reappear in the mirror today, the one that liked to skip and giggle and play games with her little brother. I miss her. The one that rode her bicycle endless hours, played in the hills until the sun indicated three o’clock. I am determined to be a little more diligent in looking for her in the days to come.

As I revisited the little girl in the mirror today, I remembered some things that made her who she was.  She dreamed. She believed. She loved unconditionally. She once believed in fairy tales. I am overwhelmed by her absence in the person I see before my eyes. I turn away, feeling the loss.

I am convinced that the inner person you choose to feed the most is the one that will become more apparent. I will attempt to pour more into the dreamer than the realist, and somewhere in between I hope they can become middle of the road companions. Is that even possible? I am still searching.  I may need to look a little deeper to find the little girl in the mirror…Honestly? she makes me a little unsettled and afraid,  my “Imperfect  Progress” …. but progress nonetheless. I patiently await her reflection.

Because we love….

Because we love, we experience disappointment.

Because we love, we face heartbreak.

Because we love, we feel helpless.

It is often easier to listen with our heads, not our hearts. It’s the rationality and reasoning that keeps us from breaking over the edge to the pain that loving often causes. When we feel something too strongly, are discouraged deep within our souls, it is easier to turn to our logic that turns a thousand miles an hour in our thoughts.

When these two entities collide, we are overwhelmed with emotion. How do you make the silence speak peace? How do you quiet the restlessness. We build walls and barriers and refuse to let the two worlds nestle together.

Be still my soul, be still.

All because we love too deeply, care too easily, these are our disabling devices. Parts of the soul that will never be extinguished, only fueled by what if’s of life.

“What if’s” in life prove to be exhausting, spinning our emotions into a downward spiral.

Which is easier? Having no passion for those things that are close to your heart? Having no hope for something that seems far beyond your reach? Choosing not to love for the fear of losing them?

Hope. Faith. Love. A three stranded cord that intertwines itself. The invisible thread that holds all of our dreams. It is not possible to live without any of the three. So we continue to move along, quiet the restlessness, and make sense of the what if’s in our corner of the world.

Choose to love. Even when it is painful to do so.

Choose to love. Even when it seems impossible.

Choose to love. Even when it is not the easy path.

Because we love, we experience joy. Because we love, we have hope. Because we love, we leave our hearts wide open for the amazing to happen.

Love has no regrets, it is a reservoir for the strength to face our journey.. Our “what if’s” in life.

What will you choose?

And now we have these three: faith and hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13

Life from above, wrapped in blankets, tied with love….. I look at this photo and remember this stage of my life…a very blissful but busy time. The time where you wonder as a mother if you are “doing everything right” and will you ever enjoy a good nights rest again? I didn’t mind it so much after a long-awaited thirteen years. I was just happy to be here. Breathing in every moment like it would not last, daring to blink as if I would somehow miss something.

Although this was a busier time for me, I can’t help but see it as a more simple time by far. I provided for her every need. She depended on me for her entire little world to go around.  If I failed in consoling her, I didn’t give up, I just tried something different, knowing that as long as I tried, we’d get there. Little did I know how these words would embed themselves in my heart today. ~thanks God,  for that gentle reminder.

The truth is I still wonder if I am “doing everything right” and I still have restless nights. I second guess myself. What if I mess this up? She will pay for it for years to come. The responsibility is overwhelming. God grant me grace to do my best, since we only get one childhood. What if I am too harsh? What if I am too lenient? What if? What if?

I vented today. I re-hashed it. I asked God to help me find my way. No wonder so many parents just let their kids “go” it would be so much easier to do so. There is so much work that is more mental than physical, I find it exhausting.

I do not doubt that I have an amazing daughter. She is a gift. It is a heavy responsibility to guide her to the person she will become. When storms invade us and toss us in the wrong direction, I can only trust that I will have the wisdom to adjust our sails.

Now I wait. I cherish the voice that says to me.. wait, settle down – cast your cares upon me…rest. We’ll get there.

Friends and more friends……. I decided to write out a list of my friends. In my attempt to not leave anyone out, I decided to “group” my friends from old to new, then another list from past to lifelong. It started out as an easy enough list, but as the list grew I found myself adding not only more friends, but more categories. The more I focused on my list of friends, the more the categories began to overlap.

I recently had a similar discussion with my daughter about the many different types of friends. Do you always have the same kind of friends? No, friends are different in every way, unique in their own right. What if you don’t see those friends often? Will they forget you? No, that’s the great thing about friends – you never forget. Ever. There will be those that are so much a part of who you are and who you become, that they will always be a special part of your life. I am blessed to have those.

I was overwhelmed looking at my list of friends. More than the list, I mentally took note of  each name and what made them great. I have friends that connect me to my childhood, school years, college and throughout my adult life. Don’t misunderstand my great list of friends as boastful, I am fortunate and some remain in a state of friendship “grace.” I never had one name that I had to cross out because they were no longer my friend. Strange? Not really. Not when you consider the fact that friends do come and go, but they continue to hold their purpose in the course of your life. Thus, the reason for re-posting this awesome poem.  I have found that it speaks volumes of truth.

People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFE TIME.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, It is usually to meet a need.
You have expressed.
They have come to assist you though a difficulty,
To provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are….
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then ,
without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to and end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes the act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realized is that our need has been met,
our desire fullfilled,
Their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered  and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON.
Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.

LIFE TIME Relationships  teach you life time lessons things you must built upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

You job is to accept the lesson. Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and are as of your life.
It is said that Love is blind but Friendship is Clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life. Whether  you were, a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFE TIME.

Always tell the truth.

Liars Cannot be trusted

The Boy that Cried Wolf

Pinocchio

Sayings or fables~~~only to name a few. I was raised to tell the truth. I was often reminded of fables where the outcome of lying was always bad, sometimes real bad! I mean, the thought of being eaten by wolves or having your body turned into firewood? I always knew there were bad consequences to lying. I usually tried to tell the truth, even when I was in trouble, however, reluctantly.

My Daddy was really big on telling the truth. We could get away with some things, but…lying was never one of them. It was kind of worthless anyway to try it, he knew everyone and it was seldom that we ever pulled the wool over his eyes. I can’t tell you how that put things into perspective, but I know that it worked. It was a reverent fear that we had and for the most part? it worked out pretty good for our parents.

My thoughts go back to the 7-year-old little girl who had good friends in the second grade. I loved it when someone had a school birthday party. It was usually a snack of some kind and often at least one of your friends would bring a present! The party seemed to last the entire day. During that particular era, there were no such thing as room moms, assigned party planners, etc. We had classmates and our teacher. Most of the time it was the teacher that provided the snack! We had parties throughout the school year, which was great! unless…… you were born in the summer.

Yep, that’s right. I was born in July! I would never enjoy the class party that lasted the entire day in my honor. I felt cheated. I was wronged! This was such an injustice for  a seven-year old. So, I decided that I would intervene on my own behalf. I did the thing I was forbidden to do.

I lied.

“Next week is my birthday” I said. Now, either my teacher really liked to have parties? or she totally trusted seven-year olds to be truthful about their birthday? Regardless, she never called me out on it. It was a tense week waiting to see if she would figure out that I was a summer birthday kid. Nope, party is on. My secret is safe.

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what great snack we had that day, or who was there, or how apprehensive I was in living my lie. I can, however, tell you that one of my particular friends gave me a present, a small Raggedy Ann. She was beautiful and just for me.

Yes, this is her. I still have the doll after almost 40 years. Sadly, there is a reason I still have her to this day.

I had attentive parents. I don’t know how or when they found out about my fake birthday party? but they did. Luckily, I didn’t have to return the doll. It was a gift. Oh, I had to confess to my friend (I think she thought it was a pretty clever idea) but I was allowed to keep it.  The doll was like today’s Elf on the Shelf, only this one hung around all year-long!

My mother fondly renamed her. She was no longer known as the beloved Raggedy Ann, she was referred to as “My Lyin’ Doll”. Oddly enough, I got over the shame of it all, but I never got over the lesson of lying. Sometimes I even wonder if my teacher knew all along that I was born in July? Probably. I like to think that she just didn’t have the heart to call me out. She could have been a summer birthday kid too!

So here today, she sits in my widow sill, posed for a picture for my blog. I can’t help but think that she still looks sad. I chuckle about her sometimes, especially when I remember cleaning out some of my stuff before leaving home. The doll appeared out of one of my boxes of stuff and my mother smiled and said.  Oh, Here! – “Don’t forget your lyin’ doll” and…. always tell the truth (wink).  Thanks, Momma for the reminder.

The month is January. The temperatures are in the mid 60’s. It is supposed to be Winter but it feels more like late Spring. I am still trying to determine how safe it is to push the sweaters back to the end of my closet.  I feel a little guilty in complaining. There have been some very beautiful days in the last few months, but my internal self says, it’s still January – it’s supposed to be cold, it’s supposed to be winter with the hope of snow in the back of my mind – at least until February.

I grew up where you had to “prepare” for Winter. It sometimes came earlier than you expected. My mother called it “winterizing” and usually took some planning and a few trips to the local store. It was one of those times you were again glad to be the girl in the house, leaving the dreaded chores of wrapping plumbing pipes, adding extra insulation and such to the males of the house. I imagine the chore of “holding the light” underneath the house for Dad brings back some literal “chilling” memories for my brother. I can tell you how much of a headache it was if you did not winterize before it snowed. Although I dodged the manual labor part of it, I assure you that having your water frozen for days was gruesome. Packing water to heat up for washing dishes and getting a bath was even more gruesome. I don’t miss these parts of mountain winters for sure.

The most worthwhile feeling was knowing that you remembered to “leave the water dripping” in the early morning. Our water may have been rusty, but we sure missed it when it was all frozen up and you were trying to get ready for school. You were also pretty appreciative that your Mother had made sure to take the chill off the bathroom with the space heater. It was waking up to a warm house, realizing that yes! your little brother DID remember to bank the fire before he went to bed. It was hearing Dad crank the car and being thankful that he remembered the anti-freeze. It was the little things in winter that were colossal in keeping you warm.

When the seasons seem to be a little off.. I think it makes me out of sync. I anticipate the changing of the seasons, only to be fooled by a 70 degree day. It’s just weird. I so much wanted to wrap up in a blanket every evening in January and just be “cozy” – since I am hot natured? Please! just give me my space.

It’s still too cold to be sitting on a NC beach somewhere, but not too cold to still see the classic sweat shirt and shorts here that I have come to understand. It’s not uncomfortable outside like our 110 heat index during summer, but it still doesn’t feel right. Several weeks ago, we had an actual cold front. Arctic air, I could finally smell my January. I anticipated my blanket wrapped evenings and fuzzy socks that have never been worn. I was ready to show off my “winterization” skills. I was ready to venture to the parts of my closet that actually contained winter coats. Within three days, we were back to 70 degrees and flip-flops.

I am still looking for January. I hope it doesn’t pass without at least a few chilly days, maybe even a snowflake or two..okay- maybe a few inches? I am dreaming big here for the South. Maybe we wish for seasons to change as usual, only because they are how we mark our time? our memories? The habit of being winterized is a hard one to break….Yes, I’m ready. Bring on January, as brief as it may be.

As I took this photo of the last sunset in 2012, I couldn’t help but wonder what would the New Year would bring. Honestly? I also wondered if I even “wanted” to know. Giving thanks for the previous year of lessons learned and blessing embraced, gave way to an anxious anticipation of what would be next. Life continues to roll on, and time reluctantly refuses to stand still for any of us.

Resolutions were made by many on the first day of the year. I, for one, chose not to make any this year. I even toyed with the idea of creating a “bucket list” for 2013, I chickened out, since I feared looking at an incomplete list at the end of the twelve months might be discouraging. There is nothing worse than setting yourself up for a list that can be down right unreasonable.  Instead, I have chosen to set some personal goals for myself. You will not find them listed here. They are inward goals, things that will mostly remain invisible to any list, but I have an anticipation that they will manifest themselves outwardly in due time. Anonymous gifts, Imperfect Progress.

A new year to reinvent oneself. Reflections of the past year to improve and sharpen our iron. Although I am hopeful, I am well aware that I am incapable of doing anything in my own strength. It is my hope that this will be the year of turning inward, in order to cast your gifts outward. Unsuspecting, paying it forward.

Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ  who strengthens me.

My last blog for 2012

I continue to be amazed of the people who God puts in my path. This day was no different.

I decided at the last-minute to stop and see an old friend on my way to do some errands. So, with a Christmas card and homemade goodies in hand, the intent is to stop and speak for a short moment, since it’s been awhile since my last visit. I almost put off this visit, because I am really in a bit of a hurry. Thank you God, for slowing me down, for the unction of your Spirit to make the time.

My friend is 87. He looks tired today. (Slow me down, Lord..He seems burdened.)

He greets us in the same kind manner as he has for the past 20 some years, but today, he can’t stop his tears from the moment of hello. (Show me Lord, what can I do)

~Listen~

I continue to ask how he is doing. He has been through many losses in a very short period of time. He is 11th in a family of 13 siblings. He continues to tell me how he has already buried a son years ago, most of his family, and painfully,  a son in the last six months. His his dear wife passed away within the last few years. He continues to strive to care for the only child left…his mentally disabled son.  (Give me words of comfort, Lord)

I struggle to hold my composure (He’s broken, Lord)

I ask if there is anything that he needs? I let him know that we are here for him. He becomes silent, only tears.

He begins to say that what he has to tell me is not for sympathy..but for much-needed prayer.

He has recently been diagnosed with yet another form of cancer. This time, he will not humanly conquer.

His prayer request is specific – that he would live long enough to care for his disabled son. (Show him mercy, Lord)

If you read this blog…I am asking you to call out my dear old friends name in prayer. I am also asking you to “slow down” enough to recognize the needs of those that God puts in your path. We are our brothers’ keeper.

Lastly, I wish each of you a Merry Christmas….and mostly I wish you “Enough” through one of my favorite pieces of poetry…May God Bless you during the coming year.

I Wish You Enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude  bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun  more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit  alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys  in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your  wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that  you possess.

I wish you enough “Hello’s” to get you  through the final “Goodbye.”